Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy Birthday, Lucy!

Well, it's our very own Lucy's birthday today! Happy Birthday, you Christmas pyromaniac! Yeah, I heard all about your brush with flames at the Christmas table! Lucy's Christmas was eventful...ebola virus, shitty lung capacity, passing out due to laughing fits and lack of oxygen, losing 5 lbs due to illness-inspired soup-only consumption, flashcards...Why can't that shit ever happen to me? Now, that's a story! So, in honour of that flaming moment, I present to everyone Lucy's day of birthday festivities! A flaming slideshow of wonderous wonders...

We love you, little pussy cat ;) Have a safe flight and a wonderful trip!

A special gift from Maj:


A very special gift from Kay:


And, a very, very special gift from MiniMaj:

The 'Incident' aka AHHHHH IT BURNS!

I walked into my flat, sighing as I deposited my heavy shit onto the table by the door. It was Christmas Eve and I had just come home from some really late Christmas shopping. I searched the bag for the crap that I had gotten for my roommate, Annabel, and put it into a separate bag to hide in my underwear drawer. Not really so that she didn't find it, just so that I could bitch at her when I found her looking in my 'private' drawer.

I started whistling annoying Christmas songs on my way to my bedroom. As I was hiding a book under my bright pink-and-blue-polka-dotted thong, my cell started singing "Don't You Want Me Baby" by The Human League. It was Mum.

"Uh, hold on a sec," I murmured into the phone as I threw it onto my bed. I stuffed everything else under my collection of bright neon underwear. As I stuffed some earrings in the drawer, I reached over and grabbed the phone.

"Hey, Mum! What's up?" I said, falling onto the bed.

"Lucy! You remember that tomorrow's Christmas, right?"

"Yes, I do, Mum. Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, I thought that maybe you had found a new alcohol or something..." Shows how much she loves me, right? "Anyway, your Dad and I were wondering if you were coming to our get-together tomorrow?"

I sighed. "Yes, Mum. I might have to leave tonight, in order to beat the snow." There was supposed to be two feet, or some shit.

"Oh! Well, I can send your sister over to get you, if you'd like." That was the way that Mum was, always willing to sacrifice other people to the apparent torture that is me.

"No, Mum, it's fine. I know how to drive, I'm a big girl." I rolled my eyes at the ceiling.

"Well, you'd better leave soon, or you'll be snowed in." I heard some voices in the background. "Well, Lucy, I've gotta go, I'll be expecting you later on tonight." Click.

I flipped my cell shut and put it in my back pocket - a habit that had broken two phones so far. The funny thing is, one of the times was just an idiot slapping my ass a little two hard. I later got my paybacks. *cackles evilly*

So, I grabbed some clothes for an overnight stay at Mum's house. As I was putting the last of my things in my bag, Annabel walked into my bedroom.

"Hey. Going somewhere?" she asked, looking down at me from her height of 6'1". "I thought that we were gonna go out and party?" She pouted at me, and I felt really bad for having to leave her alone for Christmas.

"Mum called. She wants me to go to her stupid Christmas party again. I have to leave tonight in order to beat the snow." Annabel gave me her best puppy dog pout, and it's pretty damned good. "Sorry, Anna, not this time. You have your brother's party, remember?"

"Oh, okay..." She slumped her shoulders and slowly walked out of my room.

"You're not gonna guilt me out of going!" I said to her back.

I slung my bag over my shoulder and started towards the door. Annabel had turned on the TV and lay down on the couch. I said my good-byes and left my flat for my mother's house.


I didn't realize that I had forgotten my jacket until I was already driving down the road to Mum's house. I decided not to go back - it was only a forty-five minute drive to her house. After about ten minutes in my car, I was shivering to no end. I still decided to brave it out, though, using old receipts and papers from my glove-box to keep me warm. Good thing that I had started a collection.

The heater in my car was faulty, so it only wheezed out a little stream of warmth. I had to drive one-handed, with my other hand on the little air vent. Every so often, I would switch hands so that my fingers didn't freeze off.

By the time I made it to her house, there was a good layer of snow on the ground, my teeth were chattering, I had a nasty cough, and I was really fucking cold. Mum didn't even come out to greet me, so I opened the door which she always kept unlocked. Not that a stupid little lock would have stopped me from getting to the warmth inside.

When I walked in, Dad was dusting off the tables in the foyer. He turned when I walked in, and started laughing. No doubt my lips were blue, and I was covered in snow. Damned long driveways! I took a deep breath in and tried to talk, but my voice came out in squeaks and whispers. Crap, I had lost my voice.

"What's wrong, Lucy?" Dad said, concern replacing the laughter on his face. "Did your voice run away?" I restrained from giving him the finger, only because he was my father. He got lucky.

Instead of talking, I went up and hugged him. I smiled when I pulled away, and I mouthed 'Hi, Dad' as clearly as I could. He laughed again.

"You can put your stuff in the purple room," he said. "There should be some writing utensils in the office, if you need them."

The 'purple room' was one of the five guest bedrooms in my parent's house. Yeah, they live in a mansion. Too bad they couldn't give any of that money to me. Anyway, the purple room is, well, purple. Purple sheets, purple comforter, purple curtains, purple carpet with slightly lighter purple area rugs, purple furniture, and in the bathroom, there's even a purple toilet. I don't know why, but this is Mum we're talking about.

After I deposited my shit in the purple room, I walked down the hall to Dad's office. I dug around in some drawers until I found flashcards and some pens. I made a few flashcards to start out with - "Merry Christmas", "Irish that up", "What's the alcohol content?", "I've lost my voice - get with the programme", "Shut the Fuck Up" - you know, the normal stuff...

The night wasn't very eventful, so I'll give you Christmas Eve in fast-forward. My siblings arrived, and I showed them some flashcards. Mum came out of whatever shadow she had been lurking in since I had arrived. I showed her some flashcards. Dad came to talk to me. I didn't show him flashcards because he asked yes or no questions. I wandered the house until I found some alcohol, and drank some. Dinner. Talking. Flashcards. Blah, blah, blah, sleep. There ya go, that was pretty much all that happened.

The next morning, however, was very exciting. Not. I got up at around eight. I put on the Christmas crap that I had packed - a red-and-green striped shirt and some jeans. I headed downstairs and ate breakfast. The rest of the family filed downstairs sometime after that. At around two in the afternoon, Mum brought out the food. She told us that we had to eat before we opened our presents.

She brought out ham, green-bean casserole, salad, some weird pasta-like stuff, and Christmas pudding. After we all finished our main course, I asked if I could light the Christmas pudding up. The pudding is not really pudding, it's really a dome-shaped cake that is made of raisins and stuff and icing on top. Anyway, you pour brandy on it at the table, and traditionally light it on fire to burn the alcohol before serving.

Mum handed me a lighter, and I held up my newly made "Thank You" flashcard. As my hand was nearing the pudding, it slipped a little, and the lighter almost touched the tablecloth. I sighed, relieved by my quick save. I lit the pudding on fire, and turned around to look at Dad. His eyes widened and he frantically started searching the room for something.

I looked back over at the pudding, and there was a small fire that had started next to the dish. Some save.

I saw a glass of water that someone hadn't drank, and I dumped it onto the flames. Smoke started rising from the tablecloth. It's amazing how much smoke a little fire can create. Before long, the smoke detectors were sounding, and we turned all of the fans on in the house. I ran around opening windows while everyone else tried to fan the smoke outside. After all of the smoke was gone, we closed the windows and turned the fans off.

Everyone sat down at the table, exhaling after all of the excitement.

"Oops," I said. "Well, would you look at that! I got my voice back!"

Everyone turned to glare at me.

"Pudding? Anyone?" I laughed nervously.

Happy Birthday, Lucy!



  1. HAPPY BARFDAY, Lucy Loo!!!
    Love you lots!
    Drink and be merry! Cheers!

    Very honored to be considered BigMaj... MiniMaj is just one fantastic gal!
    She deserved to be an honorary lamb! (not sure if this is a compliment to her or not, as we are one fucked-up bunch)

  2. awwww! i love it! and yes, i've told you before my life is a series of unfortunate events strung together with random dialogue (or flash cards in this case).

    tina - you crazy biotch! i love my lolpics as usual! excellent use of googleSPECIAL and photobucket he he!
    maj - your gift disturbs me.
    kaylene - that is a suprisingly acurate looking pic of me as a child... are you trying to tell me something i don't know? It would explain a lot... lol!

    and muchas gracias for my story minimaj - i heart it!

    j'adore you all!

    L xxx