Sunday Selections for 9/12/10

catonspeed recommends

Sweet Tooth by MacFlan

*Creeps out of the basement and blinks at the bright lights*

OHAI, sheeples! Do you remember waaaaaaaaaaaaay back when I rec'd BellaFlan for her Emmett OS? Good shit, yes? Well, I've been so out of touch that I hadn't realised she'd written Becoming Bella Swan (insert fangirl style jumping up and down - the lovely, lovely lady emailed it to me to read on holiday - j'adore her!), which I motherfunking LOVELOVELOVED! But then it was over, and I was indeed a very sad panda.

Woe was me!

But then...

Sweet Tooth happened. And praise the lawd! I was saved from the monotony of a non craic lifestyle, and I giggled, and snorted, AND gigglesnorted my way through the six chapters I found up online. If you haven't found it yet and you can get down with a little AH diiiiiiirty, funny fuckery, then ZOMG are you in for a TREAT! A buttercream-peniscake-cannolipube-confectionary-treat!!! *disney sigh* Written as a collab between BellaFlan and Mac214 (of 'Relative Wind' dilfward acclaim - it's on the reading list, but you had me at the mention of Dilfward, woman), it's seriously cute, awkward fun and it'll have you chuckling away as the pair navigates you through their delicious world of dentophilla and just pure WIN! It's AH Edward and Bella, and other characters from the saga are popping in where you least expect them (Best Rose? I think so...), so don't go expecting traditional cannon (and who would want it with this? seriously? When you read it you'll see what I mean). I won't ruin it with spoilers, but I will tell you that I won't ever be able to say buttercream in a normal way again ha ha! Mmmmmm buttercream!

Words can't adequately describe how much I enjoyed reading what they have up so far, and I'm salivating like Bella over a bouquet of pussy cakes at the prospect of MOAR chaps, so I made them something involving the best that googleSPECIAL offers me:

Here's the official FFn blurb:

Sweet Tooth - Come to Pink Cookie, where porn never tasted this good. Erotic baker, Edward Cullen has a new obsession in the form of Bella Swan. Will his buttercream satisfy her sweet tooth? AH, OOC, Comedy/Romance.

And yes, that IS a sprinklepenis in the banner, and if you stare hard enough at the background you'll see what THAT is tee hee! *pats google and whispers sweet nothings in its ear*

Go read it! You won't be disappointed!

*scurries back into the basement*

Maelyn recommends

Real Relationship:

A Geeky Love Story

by booksforme

Twilight/Shop Around the Corner : AU Edward and Bella become friends on an online massive-multiplayer roleplaying game. What will happen when they meet in real life, but don't know it? BxE. Rated K+

I found this story in the first few months of reading fanfiction and I thought it was so cute and lovable.  For those who aren’t aware, I’m a bit of a gamer girl.  Of course, with my addiction to Twilight fanfiction and the like, the gaming has been on the back burner lately, but I still love it.  So when I saw this story summary, I just had to read it.

What I found was such a wonderful, fluffy short story that is well written and has such interesting characters and storyline.  I’ve been in relationships with fellow gamers myself, so it’s easy to see where Edward and Bella are coming from in the fic and how you can fall in love with someone’s mind before ever having physical contact.  In addition, some of my closest friends are girls I met online, so I can also see how ‘virtual’ friends can be just as important as ‘real’ friends, as some people term them. 

As the writer says: 

“You see, it doesn't really matter where you meet someone. Both online and real life, they're just the same person with a different face. I know this because I first met Edward on the internet, and together we're as real as real can be. Some of our other guild friends have also shown themselves to be some of the closest people to us we know."   

I guess I can empathize with so much of the story, it makes it mean that much more to me.  Of course, I’ve never had the instance where they end up being people I know in ‘real life’, but I do love the beauty of the story here.

Edward and Bella are still pulled together when they meet in person, even with all the misunderstandings, and that is what makes it beautiful.  Everyone wants to believe that when you meet your soul mate, you’ll just know them, be drawn to them.  And even though this story is fluffy, it still is able to bring that point to life.

So if you want a cute, contemporary story, check her out!

Merina Green recommends

Privileged

by Nostalgicmiss

When Bella's life takes an unexpected turn she's forced to find her estranged father, but not everything is as straight forward as it seems. Blood isn't always thicker than water. AU AH. B/E Rated M.

"Privileged" is an AH E/B fic.  I love this story.  I first found Nostalgicmiss's writing when I read "The Girl Under the Bed" (AH Jasper/Bella.  If you haven't read it, you should.).  When that story ended, I was a bit sad - Nostalgicmiss is a great writer, with well written stories and good character and story development. And she updates EVERY WEEK.  What would I have to look forward to on Tuesday mornings?  I mean, it was a habit!  And I'm a creature of habit!  Luckily, like a good drug dealer, Nostalgicmiss started another story, and sure enough, the updates come out every Tuesday like clockwork.  *sigh*  And don't think I'm reading this because I need a drug fix.  I'm reading it because it's GOOD.  It's set in New Orleans and various other spots around southern Louisiana, so I'm able to get a good mental picture of her scenarios, and that is always a good thing for me.  She's also got a really good handle on the way that certain, um, "social circles" work in the Crescent City.

The story's based on the premise that Bella has been raised in the Atchafalya Basin by her grandma (okay, that's the Louisiana swamp for those of you that don't know).  Flighty Renee, of course, took off long ago when she was a baby.  Charlie was there, too, but...well, you gotta read the story.  Upon her grandma's death, Bella discovers that her biological father is Carlisle Cullen - rich, well connected, New Orleans doctor. And of those three adjectives, "well connected" is the most important, followed by "rich", after which "doctor" trails far behind.  Bella decides to go to New Orleans to meet this father and see if she can figure out why she's just now finding out about him at the age of 17.   What she finds there is a shock to her poor Cajun Girl system, but she gamely decides to soldier on.  Because she's not a quitter, and she refuses to be driven back home like a beat dog.  Personally, if it was me, I would have said "Fuck you all" within the first week and gone home to retain my sanity.  But then, of course, there wouldn't be a story.  I keep telling Nostalgic this.  Almost every review, in fact.  She keeps telling me "Trust Me".  And I do.  And Bella does seem to be working through everything just fine.  But every obstacle overcome just leads to a bigger one, it seems.  

The story is wonderfully written, and Nostalgic has developed all the characters beautifully.  All our favorites are here, and there's a new one for us to hate.  I mean enjoy.  None of them start out where they 'need' to be, but we get to see the characters gradually shift and grow.  Hell, talk about Slow Build here for E/B, you won't even be sure it IS an E/B fic for quite a while.  In fact, you'll decide you don't WANT it to be an E/B fic at one point, because we ALL love J/B, and, well...just read the story.  It's got angst, mystery, romance, and a wonderfully written Bella trying to figure out the world she's suddenly found herself in.  And we get to try to figure it out right along with her.

(Make sure to check out the Privileged blog too!)

Wednesday One Shot for 09-01-10

The X-Games by TwistedforTwilight

Congratulations, Deb!
Winner of Most Anticipated Continuation in the Slash Backslash 2.0 Contest!
(no shit...)

Today is the beginning of our Human Month (all human, all the time, yeah!), and for this WOS we're doing something out of the norm. Whereas we usually pick our own favourite one shots, we've decided to post a special review for TwistedforTwilight's The X-Games.

It all started out as a simple email by yours truly to the lovely Lambs, asking them to support my ficmate and her entry to the Slash BackSlash 2.0 contest. I didn't think anything much about it, since the majority of us don't really read slash or AH fics. So imagine my surprise when the lovely (crazy) catonspeed replied with this email:

Please tell me you've all read X games! I read it on the train this morning and i don't know whether to maim, marry, or kill deb right now. But it's fantastic. It's not slash heavy, so don't let that turn you off, because it's beautiful, and it will gut you from them inside in the best of worst ways.

Read it and then i dare you to try tell me you don't like it.

And so the shitstorm of emails began. To date, we have about 170 emails exchanged between us dedicated to this oneshot. No joke. 

Then again, the Lambs were a bunch of mouthy freaks, so no surprise there really. 

Anyway, email exchanges turned to thoughts, and thoughts turned to drabbles.


Yes, we were so moved by the story that we were inspired to write drabbles dedicated to this fic. IdreamofEddy summed it up perfectly:

A fic is good when you're still thinking about it 10 minutes later. I love that, but fuck Edward with a dildo and barb wire.

Honestly, methinks the Lambs were helping me cope because I was being hard on myself for forgetting an important person's birthday. That's how wonderful these people are.


So, back to the main topic. As opposed to reviews, here are some drabbles, rambles, and a short story written by some of us, made with love.

Catonspeed

Happy eyes stare back at me. The golden boy with the golden heart. Hair that falls in heavy curtains across eyes that pierce me inside, deep in places untouched. I can feel his hands grasping, frantic, breath panting across skin damp with sweat, tugging me closer, but still not enough. I’ll never get enough of him. I’ll never be close enough, taste enough, feel enough. I want to reach out and brush that thick hair back and reveal those beautiful eyes. I want to feel that heat.

I close the magazine and stroke the cover.

I’ll never touch him again.

JaspersBella

A Drabble---

X games and x lovers

Edward's POV

The start of the games are soon.

I know he'll be here. I need to see him, need to tell him that I'm sorry, that I never meant to hurt him.  I was forced to betray him. (37)

There he is, sitting under another damn tree with his eyes closed.  He looks even better now than the last time I saw him. (61)

I slowly approach him and whisper, "Jasper,  I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.  I promise, I'll never hurt you again." (81)

His eyes open and he looks through me like I don't even exist. I stand defeated and walk away. (100)

Merina Green

"Jazz man!" Emmett yelled, punching the blond in the arm hard enough to make him wince.  "A gold, man!  Good job!  Beats the hell out of that bronze you got last year."


"Thanks, Em," Jasper said, grinning and rubbing his arm. "Guess my head was just in a better place this year."


"Yeah, I guess it was. All that 'no sex, no booze' before the big day really paid off for you. But tonight, man..."  Emmett grinned and winked.


"You know it," Jasper replied, smiling even wider.


The smile faded a bit, though, when he turned and saw a familiar face topped with bronze hair. 


"Congratulations, Jasper," Edward said softly as he was shoved into Jasper by the crowd jostling to get closer to the gold medalist.


Jasper neatly sidestepped the stumbling boy, allowing him to fall to his knees in the dirt. Glancing down at him, he allowed himself to briefly make eye contact, but no signs of recognition crossed his face. Stepping around him, Jasper kept walking.


"Who was that?" Emmett said, pausing briefly to look back at the figure still kneeling in the dirt.


"No idea.  Some fanboy, I guess.  Come on, let's go home and celebrate."

JaspersDestiny

March 10, 2011
Tampa, FL

EPOV

The last six months have been a living hell. Mom and dad, I’m sure, never thought they would die so young, but if they had known, they would have been sure to leave me with someone other than Uncle Riley. Mom hadn’t spoken to him in years after he had punched my dad one Christmas Eve. But that’s how the system works. And since Riley was my mother’s only next of kin, I’d had no choice but to endure his guardianship. I soon came to understand why he and my father had that fight so many years before. Even though Riley was younger than mom, he had somehow managed the ability to emotionally abuse his older sister every chance he got, and when my father had had enough…well, that was the end of any future reunions for our family.

Apparently the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Like my mom, I had managed to somehow creep under my uncle’s thumb, especially after he found out what a “queer” little nephew his fuck up of a sister had created, and he had taken great pleasure in squishing me whenever he could. I only came to the X Games in July because I had wanted to meet Jasper. I figured I could help Riley out in an attempt to get an autograph out of the most skilled pro competing at the event. I was Jasper’s biggest fan, but I couldn’t tell Riley that. That would have been a mistake. I couldn’t believe my luck when I had managed to sneak away briefly the day before the competition after seeing Jasper chill under that tree. He was beautiful – more beautiful than I could have imagined. And when he invited me to come to his RV that night, I got lost in my own personal fantasy of Jasper and me together years down the road.

My heart soared that night when we made love. I couldn’t believe it was real. I couldn’t believe he was real. But I had no choice but to leave early the next morning when Riley texted me, enraged that I’d disappeared for the night. My dream would just be that – an unfulfilled dream. So I stole a souvenir from Jasper as I snuck out.

Wondering where I’d been, I guess Riley snooped and found Jasper’s boxers while I was in the shower. It was a no brainer to whom those Hollisters belonged – it would have been obvious to anyone who had been at the heats the day before. I felt like a monster sitting in those stands, Riley’s words of hate ringing in one ear, my denial to him ringing in the other. And I watched as Jasper folded, somehow miraculously placing third. I had done that to him. And when he found me after the ceremony, the look in his eyes sliced my heart in a way I didn’t know was possible. I’d never had a backbone. That’s my problem. And I wish to God I had found it that day after Riley threw my souvenir at the man I had fallen in love with.

Instead, I found my backbone two weeks ago the day I turned 21 and inherited my trust fund from my parents. Their life insurance policy, as well as what they had blessedly somehow socked away, had given me the freedom to leave Riley forever. I repaid him with interest and never looked back.

I’m 2200 miles from school, thanks to a free rotation this semester. It’s the eve of the Tampa Pro and I’m standing outside Room 318 of the Quality Inn & Suites on East 18^th Avenue. Knowing where he’d be competing had been an easy task; knowing where he’d be staying had been a different story.

I’m going to tell him I was a coward. I’m going to tell him that I’ve loved him every moment since that shameful day.

And if he forgives me, I’m going to never let him go ever again.

MissMaj

He was alone underneath the tree, eyes closed. He looked so peaceful, so serene.


He was beautiful.


I sat on a bench nearby, never taking my eyes off him. I studied him from afar, memorizing every inch of him, knowing this may be the only time I'll ever get to do so.


How I wished that there would be a chance for he and I to get to know each other - hat there would be a possibility of US in the future.


"It's time," said Uncle Riley.


That wish was tarnished before it even started.


"I'm so sorry," I whispered.

Well done Deb and good luck! 

Same goes to all the other finalists on the SBS2.0 contest.

For the record, we made sure that the voting for the contest was over prior to posting this rec.

Word of the Week - G'chafed

From Urban Dictionary,as submitted by catonspeed:

G'chafed

When your gchat fucks around and it makes you all angry and itchy.

Example 1)
Lucy "I'm so fucking G'chafed today!"
Sarah "Crabs?"
Lucy "Whut? No!!! Gchat is fucked again!"

Example 2)
"Quit G'chafing me!"

Definition of chafe from Dicitionary.com:

chafe - 6 dictionary results
[cheyf] verb,chafed, chaf•ing, noun

–verb (used with object)
1. to wear or abrade by rubbing: He chafed his shoes on the rocks.
2. to make sore by rubbing: Her collar chafed her neck.
3. to irritate; annoy: The dripping of the faucet chafed her nerves.
4. to warm by rubbing: to chafe cold hands.
5. Obsolete. to heat; make warm.

–verb (used without object)
6. to become worn or sore from rubbing: His neck began to chafe from the starched collar.
7. to rub; press with friction: The horse chafed against his stall.
8. to be irritated or annoyed: He chafed at their constant interruptions.

–noun
9. irritation; annoyance.
10. heat, wear, or soreness caused by rubbing.

-Idiom
11. chafe at the bit, to become impatient at delay: The work was going very slowly, and he began to chafe at the bit.

As a result, your skin turns into a nasty shade of red, like so:

Please Gchat responsibly.
Thank you.

Silly Saturdays for 02/27/10

The New Moon scenes Meyer made them cut...

Questionable, questionable, questionable...

Silly Saturdays for 02/20/10

We have a teensy bit of a change in schedule for everyone. We will now be interchanging our Saturday segments; Silly Saturdays one week, Where in the World is... the next. We gave you Where in the World is...NusiainForks last weekend. This weekend, however, we bring you Silly Saturdays.

Our first part is, fittingly enough, Volturi-related - one of several lasting bits of fuckery provided by our much-loved Lucy. God bless her cotton socks, she couldn't leave us quietly *snickers*

Anyone that can pull off ruffles with THAT face should get a prize...

Our second part is brought to you by Tina - a maple syrup maple leaf tree huggin Canadian (per @Meddz via Twitter).

This first bit of fuckery is of Jane and Alec figure skating...cuz *cough* I like figure skating:

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

This second bit came to me via email...and I just HAD to post this in honour of the Olympics. Why? Cuz it's just RICH... Where's Ron Mercer when we need him?

Now that Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.

Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Halifax? (England)
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your north...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary - Come naked!

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Silly Saturdays for 02/13/10

You don't irritate the Volturi unless you want to die...

Congratulations and Well Wishes/Fuckery for our very own catonspeed!

Now, some would say this is sad news, and it is, but Lucy is someone we are all proud of, and we are all thankful that we have had the opportunity to work with her on this blog, chatting with her on Skype, on Twitter, and in the unbelievable realms that Gmail tends to operate.

Lucy's career centers around working around natural hazards and disasters, and as of recently this has included the relief effort in Haiti. Today we received word from Lucy that she was offered a consultancy project that can really have some great effects on her career as a whole, and she, of course, has to take that opportunity. I'm sure more than a few of us know that when an opportunity like this presents itself, you can't say 'no' unless you're unsure of yourself. Lucy is a well-rounded individual who knows what she wants to achieve and she makes a difference. She is a go-getter and a confident lady (I do not use that term lightly), not just in the world of Twilight Fan-fiction but in the real world, as well, and that takes precedence over anything.

So, she's scaling back. She has to. Her free time just became shorter. To say she's leaving the blog, though, is something that to me says 'goodbye', and I hate 'goodbyes.' But she has to step off of it because we do have a certain responsibility to keep in running. So, Lucy is stepping off of ALASL, she's scaling down the things she does for certain aspects of this community, and that's why we're posting this. Lucy is a welcome presence around here - she always has been and she always will be. She knows this.

Lucy will continue working on The Last Mile. Frankly, I told her that if there was a choice between this blog and her writing, I'd rather see her writing because that's how we all came into this fandom in the first place - as readers first, and as writers. Lucy's writing is...amazing. Shocking. Powerful. She can pull off humor in the most dire of circumstances and she can literally take your breath away with just one sentence.

So, please, leave your comments below for Lucy. Tell her to not be a stranger because she won't ever be a stranger around here. Congratulations are in order here, not goodbyes. I, for one, am happy to have gotten to know her and I am proud of what she WILL accomplish.

We're ass-raping this post with fuckery of all fashions, and below this post you'll see her Meet and Greet, one of the best as of this date. We will miss your presence around here, Lucy, but we also know that you'll be out there making a difference.

Wishing only the best for you, Lucy.

Christina, Kaylene, Maj, Maelyn, and Wendy.

Courtesy of Wendy:

Lucy had a day where she wanted everyone to #showmeyourmug on Twitter. I didn't have a mug at work so I showed my Coke Zero can. She proceeded to make fun of me the rest of the day. When I got home, I created this mug for her.

I really don't know what to say about Lucy.

I met her over a Late Show skype call one night and I fell in love with her voice once she said, "Charts and Graphs." Lucy has been an awesome friend and has provided loads of fuckery and duckery. I laugh every day at something that she has tweeted. I can't look at LOLcats without thinking of her. Thanks for everything that you have done for the Lambs, LucyLoo, and I love you very much. You will be missed but not forgotten, and certainly never replaced. Congratulations on your new job and I'm really proud of you. *hugs, kisses, and gropes*

We are sure, however, that Lucy will be around to give all her Twitter folk some Charts and Graphs to appreciate. So here are some from us to you, Lucy:









Tina's contributory farewell for your love for all things maps, charts, and graphs (because she only knows how to scout out music videos, apparently):



And because Tina knows you love Rufus - and since she loves Martha - and because we're feeling sad at your leaving us but want you to know that we love you, kitty cat (a note from Tina: I am going to fucking miss you, Lucy. Keep in touch whenever you can...I'll forward you Running chapters as I beta...and I wish you all the very best, hon):



From Tina: Real life is the most important thing there is. This is all fun - the writing, the antics, the fuckery, the blogging, the Twitter...and sometimes it can get to be too much with everything that real life throws your way. So, stick it to the man...this is my 'rise my army, rise' to you, Lucy, this little bit of Martha. Because she sings to my soul. Stay true to yourself and to your accomplished work - both on and off fan fiction - never let anything stop you in your quest for greatness. I wish I could have the honour of actually meeting you in person one day, so hopefully...next time I'm in London, I'll hit you up! I look forward to all of your writing too, Lucy, so contact me whenever if you ever need anything. And just live your life to the fullest:



And, because this is - we hope - ONLY a goodbye for now...



...and we truly hope to be singing this in the future:



Some LolCat fuckery from Wendy:







And some from Maj....

And I was particular to these.......

By the way, can you answer this question?

Monday Meet & Greet with catonspeed - a reposting

What The Fuck Has She Done Now? 

Ahh, Yes.  It's that time.  Monday Meet and Greet. And this week, we have our queen of all technical fuckery here at our blogspot and...pfft...hitting blogspots EVERYWHERE. Queen Lucy.  Aka catonspeed.  Aka that crazy ass, fucking Brit that turned one Peter the vampire into a fucking lolcat.

How can I get off calling her a crazy ass fucking Brit?  Well, my Daddy said I could.  He was stationed in Auckenberry years ago, and if he says they're all crazy, then dammit they are.  Besides, when I asked the Twitter world on Thanksgiving to tell my daughter where everyone was from, this is what I got from Lucy:

@Idreamofeddy hello mini kaylene! I'm from England. We used to rule your american asses ;)

I 'met' Lucy a few weeks back, when I was on the verge of having an HTML meltdown because I was working on building this blog and I know dick about HTML coding. I screamed for help on Twitter, and this little gem had the nerve to volunteer.  Pfft. Nerve.  She took this fucker and pimped the bitch out in the weeks to come.  Lucy is truly a gem, who can take a cloudy day and turn it into a blinding, sunny one.  She has made me laugh, when I didn't think there was anything to laugh at.

Lucy is also writing a fic that owns me now, called The Last Mile.  And, if you're not reading this story, I urge that you do so. This fic has captivated everyone who started to read it.  Clurrabella, over at Jasper Darlins, wrote this great review on The Last Mile that you should also check out.  Lucy's writing is just..visually graphic, packed with emotion, and you have been warned: you should neither eat nor drink while reading this fic.  And, you damn well better have some Kleenex handy, too, because it can go there in the blink of an eye. 

So without further comment, I give you Lucy.  Prepare yourself for the fuckery.

Tell us about yourself. Married? Single? Kids? Age? ...Whatever you'd like to share.

Lucy:  I'm single, untethered to any ball or chain, no kids... god my life sounds kind of empty. A better way to put it would be... I can sleep in, don't have to worry about day care, can get drunk on the weekday, and can blatantly check out hot male ass without spousal repercussions. Yeah, that's much better! I love my life! he he!
 
Tell us about Twilight. How did you first get into the Saga, when was the first time you read it, and which book is your favorite?

Lucy:  I avoided books 1-3 - had no idea they existed - and then succumbed like a good little sheeple when a friend shoved them in my face. My mistake for bitching about needing something non-taxing to read. It was game over from there. I consume words like a fat man consumes cake - doesn't matter in what form I find them, and academic hazing has given me super speed reading abilities. I read all four of them in less than a week, had a crazy emotional roller coaster ride, and then reread them a few more times. FML.

Book one is probably my favourite, although the leaked unfinished Midnight Sun is probably on a parallel, as it makes me want to beat the shit out of Edward slightly less. SM's characterisation of him makes me want to hulk smash pretty shiny things. I hate the religious subtext, but love that the books have opened up a whole community of people to me.
 
What got you started reading Twilight Fanfiction? Do you remember the first fic you read?

Lucy:  Someone sent me a link to a piss take post on livejournal - I hooked one of my friends into the books like a good little marketing zombie, and we were both at the stage where we'd lost all seriousness for SM's words and were emailing random funny stuff back and forth. Anyway, someone mentioned this little thing called 'Wide Awake', and I clicked the link, and then I emerged from the dark woods into the glittering meadow of FFn.

AngstGoddess003 is to blame for my subsequent addiction. Some days I want to track her down and hug her, others I'd like to kick her up the ass for causing my procrastination from real life! All joking aside, her stories and her writing are amazing, and I consider myself lucky to have stumbled across her story as my first - it was a great way to have my fic cherry popped! She looked after me
 

What are your favorite stories?

Lucy:  This is like asking me what my favourite band is, or movie, or
pair of shoes from my closet! Too hard! I'm starting to add them onto my favourites list on my FFn profile (I lost my firefox links list in the 'Great Crash of early 09'), but a few off the top of my head would be:

Wide Awake
The Office
Colliding Meteors
Scotch, Gin and The New Girl
Mutually Assured Destruction

But ask me again next week, and the list will be completely different!

Who are your favorite characters, from who you like the most to...er...least favorite?

Lucy:  I wouldn't say I have a favourite character - what I enjoy are characters with substance that I can feel come alive on the screen as I read. Although, I love me some smirksper, a little bit of geekward, domward, and bella-with-a-backbone.

Oh, and Peter - LOVE LOVE LOVE him. I've yet to read anything bad with Peter in it, he's like fic magic or something! Any story with him in it is automatically awesome, it's a phenomenon, like fibonacci sequences in nature - unexplainable but indisputable.

I'm not a massive wolves fan, so they'd hit the chopping block first at the min, but I've got a Bella/Sam story to read from lifelesslyndsey - if anyone can turn me round it's her, the other half of my brain!
 
Which fics are you reading right now, and which ones have your complete attention whenever they pop with an update?

Lucy:  I've just finished The Office and any and everything would be dropped for an update on that. There would be a Lucy shaped puff of smoke, and then I'd be glued to the screen waiting for the page to load.

I'm halfway through Hydraulic Level 5 right now, but writing has significantly eaten into my reading time. That story has grabbed me by the seat of my pants, however, and I'm determined to work my way through it - it's a pleasure to read, and the author has put it together beautifully.

Anything from IdreamofEddy has me panting, but otherwise I troll through the lists on FFn and see what grabs my fancy. I try not to stick things on alerts because my inbox sees enough action already, and it can frequently be found having a smoke after it's been molested by one of you.
 
What made you finally decide to start writing your own?

Lucy:  It's only been just over a month since I first posted, but I'd been reading on FFn since February, which caused me to refind my love of words again. I studied English Language and Literature for one of my A levels, but then went off to study Geography at University - but after reading some great fic, I started to really miss writing.

I started to put something together that was rolling around in my head (I'm going to pick it up after TLM finishes), but the trigger came when I was filing some old work to make space for some new shoes and I found a piece I did for an assignment in class a few years back, which gave me chapter one of The Last Mile. It was only going to be a one shot to test the waters - I changed the names and added one or two details and then closed my eyes and hit the submit button. People seemed to like it, I promptly keeled over in shock, and then I had all these little thoughts come flitting into my head, so I decided to take it further. I think I put out something crazy like eight chapters in six days! I shelved the original idea, and I'm now 16 chapters, five weeks, and one contest entry in now, and I can't believe I didn't do it sooner!

It's not just the writing, though, it's the people I've met since posting. NCChris left me a review, I had a little fangirl moment, and she introduced me to Twitter, which I've had for three weeks now. It's become my crack (my 3,659 tweets as of typing this is a testament to that). There's this amazing group of ladies out there who have taken me in, and introduced me to comedy banter, and things like The Late Show on skype! In return, I mentally scar them with my crazy, and it feels like I've known them forever lol! To name but a few outside of them and outside the ALASL ladies, there are:

NCChris, luvmesomejasper, lacym3, JaspersIzzy, MaitresseSaint, Clurrabella, lifelesslyndsey, JaspersBella13, mrsalreyami, kitty cullen, sparagus, fiberkitty, BamaBabesHubby - I'm sure I've missed people, though... but you all know who you are, my sweet little doves! If I've missed you and you feel aggrieved, come see in the cage Master Kitty Cullen keeps me in:


 
What's the atmosphere like when you're writing: music.. quiet..kids screaming and ripping each other apart, or husband bitching in the background? Do you drink and/or smoke?

Lucy:  I'm a music writer. If I could, I would hook up an ipod IV to my arm and inject that shit right in there. I HAVE to have music - it's where lots of my ideas come from - or I'll be in a particular kind of mood and need audio backup. I can't stand silence when I write. Other than that, there's normally a beverage of some description, my notebook, and a variety of pens and post-its scattered everywhere! Oh and twatdeck is sometimes open... fucking crack!

Unless I'm on the train writing that is, then it's just me, the ipod, my notebook, and worried glances as I chuckle like a mental ward escapee as I scribble frantically away.
 
What else do you like to read besides Twilight?

Lucy:  If I'm not nose deep in fic, I'm reading some science. I study natural hazards and disasters, and have a stack of books and papers to read that puts my fic list to shame!

When I'm off on holiday I normally take something completely unrelated with me, though. The last one was Hunter S Thompson's autobiography - that book was phenomenal! Top favourites would include:

- Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (because her words are stunning)
- Killing Dragons: The Conquest of the Alps by Fergus Fleming (the quotations I found inside stun me, and the stories behind the first conquering of many of the Alpine peaks is fascinating <-- I am a geek, I'm sure I already mentioned this somewhere)
- The early Kay Scarpetta books by Patricia Cornwel (the later ones are nowhere near as good)
- I'm halfway through The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver (it's fantastic)

I could supply you with a library of titles - feel free to ask me for suggestions any time.
 
What else do you like to do?

Lucy:  I'm a MASSIVE movie fan - I'd like to arrange a hit on Barry Norman and steal his job (he reviews films in the UK). I also love: music, fast cars, books, shiny things, snow, kittens, mojitos, real friends, gadgets, the sea, hazards, london, boats, films, thunderstorms, Italian food, wine, sunshine, sudoku, mountains, skiing, holidays, gerberas, maps, GIS, my ipod, formula 1, football, fresh bread, portuguese olives, live gigs, days at the horse races, poker...

That enough facts? ha ha!
 

Tell us a secret?

Lucy:  I have the oddest fear of falling off an escalator and breaking my teeth. It freaks me out big time whenever I get on one, and I have no idea where it comes from. I haven't been attacked by one in the past, nor have I witnessed such a thing, or seen it in a movie. I just put it down to the fact that I'm a little odd, and clench whenever I get on one...

Oh, and nobody in the real world knows I write.

Special Thanks goes to Tina (JaspersDestiny) for her assistance with the kittifications of Lucy...