Yeah, I'm 41 days behind. Deal.
Ahem - So, now I, MiniMaj, present to you, whoever's reading this, "February (and March . . . and April . . . yeah, I'm lazy - deal) is . . . Tina's Month! . . . s."!
Here's Part One of Tina's Story! Yay.....
-- PART ONE --
I hid behind my clothes that were hanging, hugging The Frying Pan of Destiny like it was the only thing that was keeping me alive. For the time being, it was.
"Tina . . ." he called through the darkness. I spun around again, my hair wet from the dripping sewers that seemed to go on for miles. Or maybe it was the fog that was building up in the sewer. "Tina, come here . . . . I have some jokes for you . . ."
Crap. Shit. I was going to die in a sewer, killed by a clown with the longest teeth ever. I tripped over something, falling with a splash in the puddle on the ground. I coughed to get the sewer water out of my mouth, then realized what I tripped over. It was the head of a small girl, her eyes glossed over with death, her mouth permanently frozen open. Her head was ripped from her body, and there was still blood coming put from where her neck should have started. I screamed and scrambled backwards.
My elbow bumped into something, and I looked behind me to see a rainbow pant leg. I followed the leg up to see him standing behind me, his clown smile painted on his face. He was staring at me, almost right through me - it was like he was looking inside of me, making sure that I would satisfy him when he decided to eat me later.
"Her name was Suzie. She tasted like meatloaf. I like meatloaf. . ." I started backing up, crawling on my elbows. I couldn't take my eyes from his, and ended up stumbling over Suzie's head again. I fell on my back, helpless, while he walked closer to me, then knelt down until his face was two feet away from mine. I put my arms up in front of my face - a last attempt at shielding myself from the clown. "I wonder if you taste like meatloaf, Tina . . ."
My alarm clock went off, as usual. I shot up in bed, pulling the covers in closer to me, trying to hide from whatever brought on the dream. I found it odd that I'd actually gotten up with my alarm this time. Usually, I sleep through it like a dead donkey, or it isn't loud enough*. I looked around for my phone, finding it on the bathroom counter, charging. I sleepily got out of bed and went over to turn the alarm off. I glanced in the mirror and staggered backwards because I saw the clown from my dream. After my heart stopped threatening to pound out of my chest, I looked again.
What I had thought was the clown was actually me - my reddish-blond hair was sticking up in all directions, and my eyes were red and puffy. My nose was red and irritated - I was coming down with yet another cold. Great. I turned off my alarm and jumped into the shower. After the water started getting cold, I turned off the shower, stepped out, and started to dry my hair. The towel fell over my face, and I started humming,"Time to Say Goodbye", by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman. I started to do a little naked dance, too.
"Christina," I heard someone say. I screamed and pulled the towel around myself, backing up into the shower. It took me a minute to realize that it was Maj standing in my bathroom, her face expressionless - which told me that I was actually talking to Allyx, one of the Sparkles.
"Dear God, Allyx!" I said, stepping out of the shower again. I looked into Maj's -Allyx's, whatever - eyes, and I caught a glimpse of . . . something. "What the hell are you doing in my bathroom?"
"Christina, Queen of the Sparkles, you are needed to defend your loyal subjects against the evil Periwinkles." Maj's - er, Allyx's voice came out as a hiss, like usual. Apparently, the Sparkles' native language sounded like snakes on steroids. "We are counting on you. Without your help, the Sparkles will be destroyed."
"I'm sorry, did you say 'the evil Periwinkles'?" I had to stop myself from breaking out in laughter. "This is real, right? I'm not still dreaming, am I?"
"This is real, Christina," She folded her hands behind her back and glared at me. "Now, to assist you in fighting the Periwinkles, I can grant you something to defend us against them, such as -"
"Whoa! Do I get the wings like Maj? Or maybe the horns? Kick-ass sword?" Maj narrowed her eyes at me. "Telepathy? Something?"
"You're worse than Majalyn's children, I swear," she rolled her eyes at me. "No, you get . . ."
She reached behind her back, and something sparkled - I heard a hiss and briefly thought that she'd set my bathroom on fire. Instead, she pulled from behind her back . . . A frying pan. I think that I could have killed her right then and there, if she didn't have the power to summon a sword that would slice me in half without any thought.
"You, Christina, are awarded the Frying Pan of Destiny. It is one of the Sparkles' greatest honors, and only our best warriors are able to use it." She smiled and handed it to me. I took it and stared at it. I was your regular run-of-the-mill frying pan. Silver and black. No special colors for me. Whoop-de-do.
"The Frying Pan of Destiny? Really?" I looked back up at her, the pan held loosely in my right hand, and my left hand held up the towel that I was still wearing. "Maj gets the wings, the horns, the sword, the fucking superpowers - and I get . . . I get 'The Frying Pan of Destiny'? Great."
I pushed past Maj and went into my bedroom to get dressed. I didn't really care that Maj/Allyx was standing behind me - we were all girls. Well, I'm not sure that you could call a small, sparkling thing male or female . . . Whatever. I pulled on a t-shirt and jeans and went towards my kitchen to get some coffee. It was only seven in the morning, and I needed caffeine. Luckily, I didn't have to go to work today. I put The Frying Pan of Destiny on the counter while I got a mug.
"Tina, you have to have faith - you're our last hope," Maj was following me into my kitchen. "Trust me, The Frying Pan of Destiny will help you greatly."
"Yeah, sure it will. And I'm going to win the lottery today, and I'm going to get a flying unicorn." I snorted as I poured the coffee. "Right. So, how do I know who these, 'Periwinkles' are?"
There was no reply. I turned around, and I was alone in the kitchen. "Allyx? Maj? Guys?" I checked the rest of my home, and I was sure that I was alone. Stupid Sparkles with their powers. The powers that they didn't even bother giving to me. No, instead, I get a frying pan.
"The Frying Pan of Destiny. What could it possibly do? Make the Fried Eggs of Hope? How about the Bacon of Life?" I angrily picked up the coffee and went into the living room and turned on the TV. I settled on a biography on Johnny Depp. I took a sip of my coffee, and realized that I didn't put any milk in it. I went back into my kitchen, and grabbed the milk. When I closed the door, he was standing there, with that creepy smile painted on his face.
It was the clown from my dream. I hate clowns - they are evil creatures. My breath quickened and, panicking, I threw the milk in his face. While he was spitting and coughing, I grabbed The Frying Pan of Destiny, and whacked him on the head. He staggered, and I ran towards my bedroom closet, clutching The Frying Pan of Destiny close to me. In my bedroom, searching under my bed was another clown. When he heard me skitter into the room, he jumped up and started running towards me. Not knowing what else to do, I swung the frying pan like a baseball bat at his head, and it connected with a bang. The clown fell to the floor, and I jumped over him, headed for my closet.
I hid behind my clothes that were hanging, hugging The Frying Pan of Destiny like it was the only thing that was keeping me alive. For the time being, it was.
"Okay, Frying Pan of Destiny, work your magic," I whispered to it. Nothing happened. "Uh, okay, then. Frying Pan of Destiny, I call upon your really cool powers." Nothing. "Please help me?" Nada. "I, Christina, Queen of the Sparkles, call upon your powers, Frying Pan of Destiny."
The Frying Pan of Destiny started glowing, and I came out of my hiding place. Feeling very proud of myself for making the frying pan work, I walked out of my closet. There were four clowns - two of which were bleeding from the head, and one of them had milk in his hair - outside the door, waiting for me. I held up The Frying Pan of Destiny, and it glowed brighter. I had no idea what to do next, so I took a chance. "Using the power from The Frying Pan of Destiny, I, Christina, banish thee from my home!"
The Frying Pan of Destiny shone brighter than the sun, or at least it seemed that way. I closed my eyes and looked away, but kept the pan in the air. I heard the clowns screech - a horrible, high-pitched sound, almost like nails on a chalkboard with a microphone next to it. The screeching stopped, and the pan stopped glowing. I looked back at my bedroom, and it was completely clown-free. I sighed and walked over to my bed, falling face-down on it's comforting softness.
See? I told you clowns were evil creatures.
--PART TWO --
"So, let me get this straight," Mrs. Kraft, my elderly neighbor said. "You were sleep walking - and sleep talking, and in your dream, there were things in your house, which you banished using your frying pan? Then your tea kettle steeped?"
"That sounds about right," I said, turning the frying pan over in my hands. "Once again, I'm really sorry for waking you up."
"It's no problem dear. You were just having a very . . . uh," she looked away for a second before looking back at me. "Vivid dream. May I use your restroom, Christina?"
"Sure," I said. "It's just down the hall there."
She got up from my couch and headed towards the bathroom. I looked down at The Frying Pan of Destiny. I definitely wasn't expecting this otherwise plain frying pan to save my life. I smiled as I touched the smooth interior of the little frying pan that could. I heard Mrs. Kraft scream from down the hall, and I ran down the hallway to where she was standing in my bedroom, staring at the clown's blood on my floor.
"Is that . . . blood?" she said, her voice only a little above a whisper.
"Uh, yeah . . . I stubbed my toe the other day," I said, and color returned to her face.
"On what? That's an awful lot of blood, dear," she looked at my feet - luckily, I had socks on.
"I, uh . . . had a pile of . . ." I looked around my room for an excuse. Outside the window, there was a large, brick building. "Bricks in my room. Yeah. I was planning on building a wall with the special needs children."
"Oh, I hadn't heard about that. When was it?" She seemed to be making pleasant conversation now.
"Well, the plans fell through . . ." I said, and tried to think of a way out of the mess that I'd put myself in. "I figured that if I'd hurt myself on the bricks, sending small children with anger management problems into the public wasn't such a great idea."
"Oh," she said. We were still standing at the door of my bedroom. "May I have some water?"
"Sure," I said, thankful for the distraction. "Come with me."
I headed for the kitchen, completely forgetting about the milk and blood on the floor - that is, until Mrs. Kraft screamed again.
"Dear Lord," she whispered. "More bricks?"
Shit. "Uh, no, Mrs. Kraft. I was getting out the milk to put into my coffee, and a vampire bird hit my window. I pricked my finger on the milk carton." I glanced at her face, and her eyes were wide in disbelief.
"Vampire birds?" she said, her hand flying to her throat. "How did you know it was a vampire bird?"
"Yeah . . . It had teeth," I grabbed a towel to clean up the mess in my kitchen. "Big, long, pointy teeth. You know what, Mrs. Kraft? I have to be getting to work soon, so maybe this isn't the best time."
"Yes, right." I didn't think that little old women could do any more than hobble around, but she practically sprinted to my front door, mumbled a, 'goodbye', and was gone.
"Well," I said to myself. "That went well." I snorted. After I was done wiping up the blood and the milk, I threw away the towel. I realized that my TV was still on, so I went over and turned it off. I rubbed my face with my hands, and tried to think of what to do next. I decided that it would be a good idea to talk to Allyx, so I put on my shoes, grabbed my phone, and
opened my door.
Standing just over the threshold was yet another clown. He was literally breathing on me, so I slammed the door in his face. I wondered how Mrs. Kraft had missed it, because she would have ran smack into his chest when she ran out of my apartment. After my heart stopped it's little marathon inside my chest, I remembered that I'd banished the clowns from my apartment. I'd banished them with my special Frying Pan of Destiny. They couldn't come inside, much less kill me. Suddenly feeling better, I opened the door again, and backed up about a foot - I didn't want to take any chances.
The clown was glaring at me, his eyes narrow slits. I gave him a bright smile, then stuck out my tongue and wiggled my butt like the immature two-year-old I am at heart. His frown deepened, and his nostrils flared. I decided to flip him off, too.
He'd apparently had enough, because he quickly walked away. I stopped looking like an idiot and closed my door before he changed his mind and called his mafia friends to come and kill me.
If I couldn't go to Allyx, she could come to me. I took out my cell and called Maj, aka Allyx. Sometimes. It rang three times before Maj answered.
"Hello?" It was definitely Maj - no hissing.
"Hey, Maj. It's Tina," I sat down on my couch. "Could you and Allyx come over to my place? It's important."
"Well, we're kind of in the middle of something right now. Maybe we could meet -" I cut her off. I wasn't in the best of moods this morning. First, I had a terrifying dream, then Allyx was in my bathroom while I was naked, and then my house got raided by clowns, who I banished from my house with a frying pan.
"No, if I leave my house, the clowns will get me, and whippin' out the ol' Frying Pan of Destiny in a public place isn't the best idea," I said. "It kind of gets really bright, and I have to yell some stuff about how I have to banish the clowns from ever going to McDonald's ever again. It's the sort of thing that attracts attention, so could you please come over to my place?"
"Sure. I'll be there in an hour." She hung up. So, now I had an hour to take a nap. I looked at the time - 7:48. I snuggled into the couch, and I fell asleep immediately.
About ten minutes later, there was a crash that sounded like glass breaking. I sat straight up on the couch, and standing in my living room was a unicorn. With wings. In. My. Living. Room. Yep - it was just another Sunday. The unicorn with wings bowed his head and knelt before me. I slowly got up from the couch, and admired its beautiful silky white mane. I think it even sparkled a little bit.
"Christina, Queen of the Sparkles, I am Ed. I have been sent by Allyxandri'ah to assist you in any way that I can." I couldn't decide if it was actually talking to me, or if I was dreaming. I continued walking towards it. Its coat was sparkling, too. I actually pinched myself. "This is not a dream, Christina. The Sparkles have allies on this Earth, among them the Flying Unicorns."
"Uh-huh. Sure." I reached out and stroked his mane. "Pretty horsey."
"I'm not a fucking horse. I'm a Flying Unicorn. Did you miss the huge horn sticking out of my head? Or these wings?" To emphasize that, he spread his gorgeous wings, which took up most of the space in my living room. It snapped me out of whatever daze that I was in.
"Wait, you said that your name was Ed?" I snorted. "Do you go by Mister Ed?" He stood up, which made him a lot taller than me. He looked down at me, and his eyes were ice blue. Chilling.
"You know, I can leave anytime." He started backing up. I tangled my fingers in his mane to stop him. "Ow, ow! Okay, fine. I'll stay. Just don't call me a horse again."
"Sorry. What exactly were you sent here for?" I untangled my fingers and sat back down on my couch. He let out a sound that sounded like a sigh. I didn't think that horses - I mean Flying Unicorns could sigh.
"To do the bidding of the Queen of the Sparkles," he looked at me again. I probably looked like crap, but I didn't care. I looked behind him to where he'd burst through my window.
"I can't afford to replace the wall, the window, and the carpet . . ." I said, thinking. I remembered something I'd said earlier. "Yeah, sure it will. And I'm going to win the lottery today, and get a flying unicorn." Holy crap. There was a Flying Unicorn standing in my living room. "Can you take me to the nearest convenience store? Or gas station?"
"Anywhere you wish, my Queen," I decided that I liked the sound of that. "We might have to hide from sight, though. Grab that blanket over there." I obeyed him, and brought it over to him. He blew on it.
"What the hell?" I said, taking my blanket back before it got Flying Unicorn snot on it.
"I can only hide myself from human eyes," he explained. "I just made that blanket able to hide you, too. Go ahead, put it on, then look in the mirror."
I wrapped the blanket around me, then walked over to the mirror. Sure enough, I didn't have a reflection. I spun around, and there still was no me in the mirror. That was freaking cool. I started to head back over to Ed, prepared to hop onto his back and fly away, but I remembered something important. I grabbed The Frying Pan of Destiny and tucked it under the blanket.
"Was that The Frying Pan of Destiny?" Ed asked as I climbed onto his massive back.
"Yes. It was a gift from Allyx," I said as he backed out of the hole in my wall. My apartment was a complete mess, but it wasn't like I was inviting anyone that would care over. Maj and Allyx would understand the whole the-clowns-destroyed-my-stuff-then-a-Flying-Unicorn-burst-through-my-window thing.
After we landed behind the convenience store, I walked about ten feet away from Ed before I took the blanket off. I walked around to the front, and saw that the jackpot was thirty million. Awesome. I walked in and bought a Lotto Max ticket. The clerk scanned it in his little scanner thing, and his eyes got really wide.
"Congratulations, you've just won the lottery." he said. He looked at me, probably expecting me to jump around excitedly. When I didn't, I half-smiled at him and shrugged.
"Yay?"
P.S. - I know that Part Two isn't as funny as Part One - it's just adding a bit of depth. It'll get better sooner or later....
--PART TWO --
"So, let me get this straight," Mrs. Kraft, my elderly neighbor said. "You were sleep walking - and sleep talking, and in your dream, there were things in your house, which you banished using your frying pan? Then your tea kettle steeped?"
"That sounds about right," I said, turning the frying pan over in my hands. "Once again, I'm really sorry for waking you up."
"It's no problem dear. You were just having a very . . . uh," she looked away for a second before looking back at me. "Vivid dream. May I use your restroom, Christina?"
"Sure," I said. "It's just down the hall there."
She got up from my couch and headed towards the bathroom. I looked down at The Frying Pan of Destiny. I definitely wasn't expecting this otherwise plain frying pan to save my life. I smiled as I touched the smooth interior of the little frying pan that could. I heard Mrs. Kraft scream from down the hall, and I ran down the hallway to where she was standing in my bedroom, staring at the clown's blood on my floor.
"Is that . . . blood?" she said, her voice only a little above a whisper.
"Uh, yeah . . . I stubbed my toe the other day," I said, and color returned to her face.
"On what? That's an awful lot of blood, dear," she looked at my feet - luckily, I had socks on.
"I, uh . . . had a pile of . . ." I looked around my room for an excuse. Outside the window, there was a large, brick building. "Bricks in my room. Yeah. I was planning on building a wall with the special needs children."
"Oh, I hadn't heard about that. When was it?" She seemed to be making pleasant conversation now.
"Well, the plans fell through . . ." I said, and tried to think of a way out of the mess that I'd put myself in. "I figured that if I'd hurt myself on the bricks, sending small children with anger management problems into the public wasn't such a great idea."
"Oh," she said. We were still standing at the door of my bedroom. "May I have some water?"
"Sure," I said, thankful for the distraction. "Come with me."
I headed for the kitchen, completely forgetting about the milk and blood on the floor - that is, until Mrs. Kraft screamed again.
"Dear Lord," she whispered. "More bricks?"
Shit. "Uh, no, Mrs. Kraft. I was getting out the milk to put into my coffee, and a vampire bird hit my window. I pricked my finger on the milk carton." I glanced at her face, and her eyes were wide in disbelief.
"Vampire birds?" she said, her hand flying to her throat. "How did you know it was a vampire bird?"
"Yeah . . . It had teeth," I grabbed a towel to clean up the mess in my kitchen. "Big, long, pointy teeth. You know what, Mrs. Kraft? I have to be getting to work soon, so maybe this isn't the best time."
"Yes, right." I didn't think that little old women could do any more than hobble around, but she practically sprinted to my front door, mumbled a, 'goodbye', and was gone.
"Well," I said to myself. "That went well." I snorted. After I was done wiping up the blood and the milk, I threw away the towel. I realized that my TV was still on, so I went over and turned it off. I rubbed my face with my hands, and tried to think of what to do next. I decided that it would be a good idea to talk to Allyx, so I put on my shoes, grabbed my phone, and
opened my door.
Standing just over the threshold was yet another clown. He was literally breathing on me, so I slammed the door in his face. I wondered how Mrs. Kraft had missed it, because she would have ran smack into his chest when she ran out of my apartment. After my heart stopped it's little marathon inside my chest, I remembered that I'd banished the clowns from my apartment. I'd banished them with my special Frying Pan of Destiny. They couldn't come inside, much less kill me. Suddenly feeling better, I opened the door again, and backed up about a foot - I didn't want to take any chances.
The clown was glaring at me, his eyes narrow slits. I gave him a bright smile, then stuck out my tongue and wiggled my butt like the immature two-year-old I am at heart. His frown deepened, and his nostrils flared. I decided to flip him off, too.
He'd apparently had enough, because he quickly walked away. I stopped looking like an idiot and closed my door before he changed his mind and called his mafia friends to come and kill me.
If I couldn't go to Allyx, she could come to me. I took out my cell and called Maj, aka Allyx. Sometimes. It rang three times before Maj answered.
"Hello?" It was definitely Maj - no hissing.
"Hey, Maj. It's Tina," I sat down on my couch. "Could you and Allyx come over to my place? It's important."
"Well, we're kind of in the middle of something right now. Maybe we could meet -" I cut her off. I wasn't in the best of moods this morning. First, I had a terrifying dream, then Allyx was in my bathroom while I was naked, and then my house got raided by clowns, who I banished from my house with a frying pan.
"No, if I leave my house, the clowns will get me, and whippin' out the ol' Frying Pan of Destiny in a public place isn't the best idea," I said. "It kind of gets really bright, and I have to yell some stuff about how I have to banish the clowns from ever going to McDonald's ever again. It's the sort of thing that attracts attention, so could you please come over to my place?"
"Sure. I'll be there in an hour." She hung up. So, now I had an hour to take a nap. I looked at the time - 7:48. I snuggled into the couch, and I fell asleep immediately.
About ten minutes later, there was a crash that sounded like glass breaking. I sat straight up on the couch, and standing in my living room was a unicorn. With wings. In. My. Living. Room. Yep - it was just another Sunday. The unicorn with wings bowed his head and knelt before me. I slowly got up from the couch, and admired its beautiful silky white mane. I think it even sparkled a little bit.
"Christina, Queen of the Sparkles, I am Ed. I have been sent by Allyxandri'ah to assist you in any way that I can." I couldn't decide if it was actually talking to me, or if I was dreaming. I continued walking towards it. Its coat was sparkling, too. I actually pinched myself. "This is not a dream, Christina. The Sparkles have allies on this Earth, among them the Flying Unicorns."
"Uh-huh. Sure." I reached out and stroked his mane. "Pretty horsey."
"I'm not a fucking horse. I'm a Flying Unicorn. Did you miss the huge horn sticking out of my head? Or these wings?" To emphasize that, he spread his gorgeous wings, which took up most of the space in my living room. It snapped me out of whatever daze that I was in.
"Wait, you said that your name was Ed?" I snorted. "Do you go by Mister Ed?" He stood up, which made him a lot taller than me. He looked down at me, and his eyes were ice blue. Chilling.
"You know, I can leave anytime." He started backing up. I tangled my fingers in his mane to stop him. "Ow, ow! Okay, fine. I'll stay. Just don't call me a horse again."
"Sorry. What exactly were you sent here for?" I untangled my fingers and sat back down on my couch. He let out a sound that sounded like a sigh. I didn't think that horses - I mean Flying Unicorns could sigh.
"To do the bidding of the Queen of the Sparkles," he looked at me again. I probably looked like crap, but I didn't care. I looked behind him to where he'd burst through my window.
"I can't afford to replace the wall, the window, and the carpet . . ." I said, thinking. I remembered something I'd said earlier. "Yeah, sure it will. And I'm going to win the lottery today, and get a flying unicorn." Holy crap. There was a Flying Unicorn standing in my living room. "Can you take me to the nearest convenience store? Or gas station?"
"Anywhere you wish, my Queen," I decided that I liked the sound of that. "We might have to hide from sight, though. Grab that blanket over there." I obeyed him, and brought it over to him. He blew on it.
"What the hell?" I said, taking my blanket back before it got Flying Unicorn snot on it.
"I can only hide myself from human eyes," he explained. "I just made that blanket able to hide you, too. Go ahead, put it on, then look in the mirror."
I wrapped the blanket around me, then walked over to the mirror. Sure enough, I didn't have a reflection. I spun around, and there still was no me in the mirror. That was freaking cool. I started to head back over to Ed, prepared to hop onto his back and fly away, but I remembered something important. I grabbed The Frying Pan of Destiny and tucked it under the blanket.
"Was that The Frying Pan of Destiny?" Ed asked as I climbed onto his massive back.
"Yes. It was a gift from Allyx," I said as he backed out of the hole in my wall. My apartment was a complete mess, but it wasn't like I was inviting anyone that would care over. Maj and Allyx would understand the whole the-clowns-destroyed-my-stuff-then-a-Flying-Unicorn-burst-through-my-window thing.
After we landed behind the convenience store, I walked about ten feet away from Ed before I took the blanket off. I walked around to the front, and saw that the jackpot was thirty million. Awesome. I walked in and bought a Lotto Max ticket. The clerk scanned it in his little scanner thing, and his eyes got really wide.
"Congratulations, you've just won the lottery." he said. He looked at me, probably expecting me to jump around excitedly. When I didn't, I half-smiled at him and shrugged.
"Yay?"
P.S. - I know that Part Two isn't as funny as Part One - it's just adding a bit of depth. It'll get better sooner or later....
i'm not sure how i'll sleep at night with the clowns now... love love love Charlie the unicorn!
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