Happy Birthday, Kay!

It’s our very own LambMama’s birthday!

So, to those of you joining us today, we prepared a ‘bit’ of fuckery for Kay’s birthday post. Just a heads up to whomever may be reading this – if you can’t tell, there are invisible sarcasm fonts overlaying the regular Georgia font of this fine post. And…there is invisible sarcasm html coding surrounding any and all pics, videos and e-cards displayed throughout.

As a matter of fact, please keep this in mind when you read a number of our posts in general. We’re all here to have fun…not run in the British elections (right, Lucy? Right!).

So, without further ado, let’s bring on the FUCKERY!

From Mae:

You have been an inspiration and role model since the moment I started reading your shit. I can't tell you how excited I was that you always replied to all my reviews, but then you spoke to me on Twitter and you invited me in on the blog and such. It's meant a lot to me that you did all these things.

You are part of the reason I got the courage to try my hand at posting my stories (even if I'm not getting it out at the moment).

You are also an inspiration as a person. You are a strong, confident, independent woman who takes care of herself and her little girl. In addition, you write some hella-awesome complex stories, work on this blog, and help in the daily raping of our mailboxes. I may not always get to reply (barely get to read them sometimes), but I do appreciate being included in them.

Anyway, I am thankful every day for knowing you, LambMama. You are a beautiful soul and it shines through to me in everything you do.

Love you to death, woman, and I hope you have an amazing birthday.

Love, Mae

From Donna:

Happy Birthday, Old Woman! (I can say that, because I'll always be older...)

I first read your stuff a long time ago (huh, little over a year ago, but whatever!), and it helped hook me into this Twilight FanFic addiction. Whenever anybody asks (not that they often do, because who in their right mind advertises their drug addiction?) I blame it all on "This woman from Iowa. This REAL person who writes really, really good stuff". Last fall when we drove "home" for a visit, I wondered where exactly you lived, and wished that I'd had the nerve to PM you and ask, because I really wanted to meet you in real life. But it seemed kind of creepy-stalkerish, so I didn't (GOD, I wish I had stalked; who knows when I'll be in Iowa again. We drove right by you!) I started writing because you inspired me. Now here I am, part of ALASL with you. I hope you have a fuckin' fantastic birthday!

From Lucy (God, I love her for this…):





From Maj:

He laid her on the table
So white and clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her, here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And her legs, low at first, then high
He was drooling now, "I love this bird"
He thought, as he felt her thigh.
He reached his quest it was wide and wet
Sort of dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms
And then he stuffed the turkey!
Funny Sexy Poems

Happy Birthday LambMama!

Love, Maj

From Wendy:

Derr…Wendy’s stuck in a well at the moment… When she can break free from the hubby, she shall rejoin us *pats Lambbaton on the head and sends her to the secret fuckery room with Lucy*

So, Lucy and I are trés evil. We all wanted to be sure that a proper birthday greeting was sent your way, so who better to sing Happy Birthday than your favourite all-time band, The Jonas Brothers? That's riiiight, baby! They're singing to their Mama, too... Listen and weep to the sound of their angelic voices.

Make way…party police coming in:

We had to go very FAR to get you your cake:

Do you like it?

Okay, don’t be greedy…

And you ARE 38 now, so you have some more candles to blow out:

We gift you many times over…

Some porn boots:

A back massage:



A trio of 'special' singers - they wrote it JUST for you, baby:



A little bit of Peter:

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

And we have some games for you to play (of course). Can you tell what's wrong with this picture?



Decipher, por favor:

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

But above all, we love you and we thank you for shepherding us to greatness…and great fuckery... Cuz that takes some fucking talent:

Sensual Saturday for 05-0810

Thank you once again Lucy!

Quote of the Week for 05/07/2010

Feelings… nothing more than… feelings!

It’s amazing the emotions that one can feel when hearing or reading a one-liner or even a phrase. For example, one day my husband was in a bad mood and bitching like a girl. My mother-in-law asked what the hell his problem was. My smart-ass self immediately responded with, “He’s just pissed 'cause a house fell on his sister.” Not only did I shock them both with this one-liner, but it made them crack up laughing. And voila... bad mood forgotten.

My original idea about just one-liners came to me months ago when I was with a different blog. I wanted to put on the blog a section with great lines from all the wonderful stories that we read on FanFiction. I thought we could list our favorites and see if people could guess which fics they were from.

For whatever reason, the idea never took shape and I completely forgot all about it. That is, until I came across Dream in Darkness by Shellebean. This is Shellebean's first story and it captured me from the start. It takes place in Eclipse, set during the battle with Victoria. Bella is watching Edward fight Victoria and she thinks:

“A flicker of red was dancing with a shock of bronze. It was a battle as old as time, a battle of love. One side was fighting for a love lost to death and the other for love finally found.”

When I read these three sentences, all I could think about was how incredible this was and I was just in awe of it. Truly, it explained the whole reason for the fight to me.

Reading this kick-started my desire to find out which phrases, sentences, or whatever made people feel a strong emotion. I’ll start by letting you know some of mine.

One of my all time favorite lines is from our very own MamaLamb, IdreamofEddy, from her one shot Save A Horse.

When they are about to get it on, Jasper says to Bella:

“Well, giddy the fuck up, honey.”

I squealed when I read this line. I thought, 'Fuck yeah!' I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said this line myself and heard others use it. In fact, this line is even nominated at The Faithful Shipper Awards for Best Line You Quote in RL - so go vote! This line just seems to set you on fire. Not only does Kay give us a great one-liner, she also gives us a great little speech to Bella from Jasper after she stumbles and her confidence is shattered. Instead of laughing at her, Jasper says:

“Then do it. Make me feel better and take my mind off of things. Don’t stand there looking down at the floor feeling sorry for yourself because you tripped. You’re clumsy, you always have been. What the fuck is new? Finish what you started, Bella. Please, woman, finish what you started.”

And with this, it changes how Bella feels - it makes her determined to suck it up and please her man. She knows all the love that he has for her and that he doesn’t care if she is clumsy. Great job, Kay! If you were trying to set us on fire, you fucking did. Go check out the story that this is a companion of - Colliding Meteors. Now that story has WAAAAYYYY too many fantastic quotes and one-liners to list here. You’ll have to read it to see what I’m talking about.

So, those were words to jump start our passion. But what about those words or sentences that take our breath away? From one of my other favorites, When Darkness Turns to Light by JannaBanana, in Chapter 25 Jasper finally decides to tell Bella how he feels about her and he wants to know how she feels about him in return. He walks right up to her, puts a hand on her neck, and whispers:

"Those were some pretty strong emotions you were throwing around out there, Bella. Tell me, the longing you were feeling, was it because you wanted to go further with him? Did his hands make you ache with desire? Was his touch as you thought it would be?" I leaned in even closer and inhaled her sweet, sweet scent as my nose ran along the side of her neck. “Did you like pressing your body against his?” I knew that if Bella were standing, she would be light headed as she was now holding her breath. I continued my questioning, determined to end this game we seemed to be playing. I wanted to be the only one for her and if she felt it, I needed to hear her say it as well. “Can you picture yourself lying with him, giving everything of yourself to him?” I brushed my lips against her earlobe; I had my senses so wide open that my hearing could pick up the sound of the goose bumps rising on her skin. It was taking every ounce of control that I had to continue slowly as I sensed the blood rushing to other parts of Bella’s body. Parts that I was aching to touch and caress.

Then, finally, a spark of hope appeared when she quietly answered me with “No.”

I pulled back, lightly tracing my fingers along the sides of her cheeks, placed both hands on the side of her face, and dared myself to ask. “Tell me, Bella, who do you really want?” Praying that I would hear the answer I so desperately wanted.

Her pause felt like hours, it was as if I could hear the ticking of a clock as I waited for her to answer. “You, I want you.” she whispered.

I don’t know about y’all but I felt like I was holding my breath when he first started speaking and then I felt like I was going to hyperventilate before she even answered him. I felt this pressure in my chest and couldn’t help but scream out loud when Bella tells Jasper that she wants him too. You couldn’t help but feel excited and so happy that they want to be together.

Lastly, I give you the emotion of giddy excitement of what’s to come. This particular piece comes from a one shot called One Drop by my very own ficwife, aerialla1. Jasper has found one drop of Bella’s blood that wasn’t cleaned up from the floor. He can’t seem to help himself and decides to taste it:

If I was going to hell, I was going to go out with a bang. With human slowness, I brought that one drop to my tongue.

My whole body exploded. It was like nothing I had ever tasted before. It was heaven and I was flying in its song crashing into me with tsunami force. For an instance, however brief, my heart beat and I was warm with life. Even if I lived the rest of my existence in the pits of hell, I would have this one moment of heaven.

This was what Edward was giving up and he was a fool. The predator in me gleamed and began making plans to one day have just one more drop of the most precious flavor that was possible to taste by human or vampire.

I read this and was like, “Oh, FUCK yeah!” I couldn’t wait to find out what was going to happen next and it made me giddy with excitement. The main story to this one shot just so happens to be my all time favorite story - Second Chances - which is filled with other great phrases and quotes, so I hope you will check it out. Plus, you’re gonna wanna see what Jasper does to Bella.

I hope you guys enjoyed some of these quotes, one-liners, and phrases as much as I do. I would really love to hear from you guys and find out what you like, why you like it, and what kind of emotions they take you through. Feel free to email me at jaspersbella@gmail.com or the blog's email at alteredandsacrificial@gmail.com and give me your ideas and/or suggestions of what you have read or even written. We are starting this section as “Quote of the Week” and we will have a blog post every Friday. Whatever you send me I’ll be happy to feature, along with some of mine and the other Lambs'. And as always, if “You wrote it, we grope it.”

Take care, happy reading and/or writing, and remember - it’s all about feelings… nothing more than... feelings!

*gift from Lucy ;)

Affiliate Fridays for May 7, 2010

A Different Forest is a fantastic site that everyone should check out! Per their Facebook page, they are "a fun fan community for the Twi-verse, and it's open to everyone: lovers, ranters, writers, readers, chatters, photo-mongers, artists, enthusiasts, filmmakers, movie-goers, gossipers, vampires, werewolves, humans, hybrids, Volturi, demon-spawn, grouches, groupies, grumps and even gripers." Follow them on Twitter, too! There is always something new and fun to be enjoyed at A Different Forest! And be sure to check them out on Tuesdays for 'Pimp Your Fic Recs' if you're searching for the next great read.

My Vamp Fiction "is an open community that encourages fun, intelligent discussion about all things Vampire and Vampire-related." Their goal is "to not only provide a one-stop shop for fans to discuss books, music, movies & television series within the Vampire fiction genre (and to some extent, the Paranormal fiction genre as well), but also to inspire creativity through fan fiction, music & art." Please follow on Twitter at @myvampfiction!

Are you a SVM/TB fan? Well, MVF has partnered up with Pixiegiggles and nycsnowbird to promote the Dead Pan Contest, running until May 15th. They're looking for your best parodies set in the SVM/TB universe that is Eric-centric, preferably with E/S as lead characters. If you're interested, read more here.

Although they love all the male characters of Twilight, Team SOB shares with the Fanfiction Universe their adoration for their favorite Native American. They are not limited to Team Jacob, though. Oh, no. They are equal opportunists and their blog is a place where everyone is "sort of beautiful". So, come and join their party and be sure to follow them on Twitter!

The Indie TwiFic Awards was created to recognize the best up-and-coming or under-recognized Twilight Fan Fiction stories out there. Voting is now closed, and the winners were unveiled March 28th. Congratulations!

You can follow them on Twitter at @TheIndiesTwific.

We love The Lazy Yet Discerning Ficster for many reasons - their essays and recs - but what stands out to us is their well-known Character Exploration series! If you have not already checked out this site, do so now. Be sure to check out their site in general, and most definitely their archived Exploration Series. Not to be missed... Follow them on Twitter at @tlydf.

Run by a British Bitch and an American Whore, Fanficers Anonymous is a site where they discuss their favourite stories, preferred couples, writers they love, and keep the fandom updated with which fics have updated in the last 24 hours. Be sure to follow them on Twitter!

The Little-Known Ficster helps spread the word about stories that deserve more attention, as well as the authors who write them! All it takes is a little recognition for a story to soar. So, take a gander at what they, and other readers, have recommended recently, and enjoy! You can also follow them on Twitter @ltlknwnficster...

TwiFicNews is the home of the Word of the Day, and it is also a place where you can both submit your contest or challenge and peruse their directory of current awards and challenges in the Fandom! If you have an event that you would like added to their calendar, email them at twificnews@gmail.com. They are a great source for the latest info in the Twi-verse, so be sure to follow them on Twitter!

The Twilight Awards , of course, is the great and fantastic directory and calendar of all twific awards, challenges, and writing contests! You can ask them to highlight your contest as long as you provide all the appropriate information regarding your contest, and they are wonderful about tweeting it out there to all of their followers. You wouldn't believe the number of hits you will receive to your contest, and the more hits = the more entries = extra creativity within the Fandom! And, of course, if you are looking for a contest to enter, be sure to check out The Twilight Awards...there are so many different awards available to enter.

Twilight Fandom Gives Back is a Fandom-wide initiative created to raise money for Alex's Lemonade Stand, a children's cancer research foundation. FGB will be holding its Eclipse edition this June, with bidding to begin June 26th 10AM EST. The new site is up, and it looks great! Be sure to follow FGB on Twitter so you are up-to-date with what's going on! There will be First Come First Serve sales, as well as Auction Style sales. The author sign up form is now available as well as many other donation forms are available so head over to fill them out if you haven't done so already. The site for the author auctions has yet to be announced.

You can also donate at anytime to The Fandom Gives Back page over at Alex's Lemonade Stand.  Just click the lemon on the page!  Every penny counts!

Run by Captain Akyria and her Lieutenants, NCChris, Kitty Cullen, and Gem, The Major's Army informs you on all things Whitlock - Jasper, Peter, and Charlotte! *le grunt* Follow on Twitter, or do an about-face and feel disappointment for the rest of your life!

Akyria and Gem - also contribute to another site. They are The Twilight Muses 'We do a variety of segments. We do rec's, reviews, prompts, pixs, teasers, contests. Also we do slash on Friday to gear you up for the weekend. We're wicked like that! We are always looking for a guest Muse. Drop us a line we'd be happy to hear from you.' Give them some love and follow them at @TwilightMuses.

Jasper's Naughty Girls showcases those stories that portray the men of Twilight as DARK...yum! It's all about those dominant, powerful, sexy, irresistible men! Be sure to follow The Naughty Girls on Twitter!

The Naughty girls are hosting The Best Domination Ever Contest.  Voting has begun, so head over and submit your vote!!

Fan Fiction Frenzy is a new site to share and read all alternate types of stories for your favorite books, movies, or television shows. The doors are open and they want those stories! They want those readers! They also offer MA-rated stories - without fear of repercussion! So, please, go explore this site, take a look at the blog, read the guidelines, sign up, and submit those stories! Also, don't forget to follow on Twitter for updates on what they're doing!

Thanks again to all of our affiliates. If there is anything you'd like us to pass along in next week's segment, send us an email at AlteredandSacrificial@gmail.com

Foreplay Friday for 05-07-10

Muy Gracias, Lucy

Thirsty Thursday for 05-06-10

Wednesday One Shots for 05/05/2010

IdreamofEddy recommends Midnight Refreshment by EdwardsLittleTemptress

One night while the family is hunting,a highly frustrated Bella stops by the kitchen for a midnight refreshment to quench her thirst. Little does she know that another one of her cravings is about to get taken care of as well.1shot.Rated M for a reason.

So this here is some Grade A, panty-wetting smut. It's well-written smut. It's really explicit smut. It's hot bitch Carlisle. I would have called him daddy. It's that little slut Bella. It's porn with actual plot. It's just...guh. It was recommended by one of our followers and can I just say, 'Thank You!' And you're right, I did need my bunny.

Yeah, Bella's hot, so she runs down to the kitchen to get herself a drink and attempts to cool off. The family, of course, is out hunting except for Carlisle, who catches Bella in a rather very awkward position as she's daydreaming. Of course, it's only awkward for her.

I read a few of the reviews for this story and it seems that some of her reviews took this story a little out of context and thought that Bella might have been 'forced' into having some pretty hot, explicit sex with Carlisle. Well, yeah, she might have said 'don't' a few times, but she didn't do anything to get herself out of it. And the fact is, she got herself wayyyyyy into it...and WOW. Besides that, it was probably just meant for everyone to perceive it for what it was supposed to be: Hot Carlisle/Bella times. It is a very well-written one shot. And the way the story was written gives it grounds to be continued - and the author has received plenty of requests.

Teaser:

Bella's mouth opened in a silent scream of pleasure as she felt her insides tingle at the action, but it was enough for her to get the drift and want more of what she had just experienced.

Hands still on Carlisle's shoulders so she could use him as leverage, she tested the new move, pushing on her legs, rising and falling back, surging up and impaling herself back down on him again, until she was sure that she could do it on her own without ridiculing herself and she just forgot to even think about what she was doing.

"Yeah… that's it… you're a natural, Bella… you were made for this… you were made for sex, you wild bitch…" he complimented as he watched her every move, loving how he could see how her rosy, swollen lips parted every time she took him in, or the way her stomach clenched each time he was nestled fully inside of her. "So hot and sexy…"

"Yeah?" Bella muttered in question, her eyes glazed with lust as she caught Carlisle's eyes, only making him want to ravish her even more.

Most definitely a favorite. I enjoyed every minute of it.


Merina Green recommends Snapped by AngelGoddess1981

What happens when the most compassionate of the Cullens snaps? Written as a One-Shot for the "To Kill a Cullen" Contest

OK, so for my One Shot this week I made a sort of off-the-wall pick that I stumbled across. It's a horror/parody (please, dear reader, remember the 'parody' part, and don't be offended. Sheesh) by AngellGoddess1981 called Snapped. There's no sex. There's no smut. There's just...the answer to something I've always wondered about - How in the hell have Carlisle and Esme managed to go for so damn long without going crazy, living with five (oops, no, make that six) teenagers. Day in, day out. Decade in, decade out. Century in... well, you get my point. Not just any teenagers... Vampire teenagers. Volatile creatures trapped eternally in that most painful and volatile part of life. Forever. And while I may or may not have had thoughts of doing away with my own, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. They grow up. And if you're lucky, they move out. But Carlisle? He signed up for an eternity of drama when he made that first bite back in Chicago. Now, if you're a parent of ANY age child, but especially teenagers, just think about that for a while. Really, there's only so much a man (or vampire) can take. Anyway, like I said, it's totally a crack-pic, but he gets a lot of screen time as the Perfect Parent. I thought it'd be nice to see him in a different light. (I'm assuming there are no teenagers reading this to be offended because, of course, everyone here is over 18, right?)


MissMaj recommends Waiting by whitereflections12

Carlisle POV of finding out that Edward had gone to Italy...having all the time in the world doesn't matter so much anymore when all you wanted is for enough time to pass to hear that everything is going to be ok... Rated K

I've always been curious about how the other Cullens felt while Bella and Alice left to save Edward in Italy. And what could be more perfect than reading it in Carlisle's POV?

This is a heartfelt oneshot of what Carlisle goes through when they find out that Edward has gone to the Volturi, and Bella and Alice's attempt to save him from death. The pain and concern Carlisle feels for his family, his worry for his three other children, and his not knowing what will happen in Volterra is written with great detail.

I especially loved how she writes the ending. Some may say that it is a cliffhanger ending, but for me it was perfect.

whitereflections12 has written a multitude of oneshots, the majority of them Carlisle-centric. She writes the characters' emotions amazingly and they are very well-written. Go check them out!

Wild Card Wednesday for 05-05-10

Grammar Girl: HEROIN vs HEROINE

heroin versus heroine

Via mopstyle via MissMaj: This drives me batty.

Well...they're quite different, aren't they? Like, QUITE different.

Here's the distinction between the two. You will see why it's so important to use the correct term.

Heroin is a drug synthesized from morphine:

A heroine is the principal female character in a story, play, film, etc.

Tie-me-up Tuesday for 05-04-10

Monday Meet & Greet with iSparkle616

Hello, Lambchops!

Today we are featuring iSparkle616 and I cannot tell you how excited I am for it.  She is truly an original, as you should know if you've read her fics.  And if you haven't, then RUN to her profile and read them!  As in, right now.  You will thank me for it, really.  They are so hysterically funny, you better make sure you are not eating or drinking while reading it.  Trust me.

Oh, and iSparkle616?  Feel free to share that Twilight parody that got pulled.  We will post it here if you like, but if you would rather not, I'd still love to read it somewhere because I LOVED the other three.  Please?  Pretty please?  With a cherry on top?  *bats lashes*

Here is a little something to get you in the mood for the funny that is iSparkle616.



Tell us about yourself. Married? Single? Kids, age, ..whatever you'd like to share.

I’m eighteen; I live in New Jersey with my parents, older sister, & three cats.

Tell us about Twilight. How did you first get into the Saga, when was the first time you read it, and which book is your favorite?

I kept hearing everybody raving about how wonderful the books were, and got the first one from the library to determine if they deserved all the hype the got. That was about…hmm, two years ago, I think. As for which book is my favorite…you haven’t looked at my profile on fanfiction.net, have you? I hate the series. I think the books are terrible and good only for lols. I hated Twilight with a passion you can only imagine; after forcing my mom to read it as well (a misery-loves-company type of thing), we decided that we might as well read the rest of the series for continued lols.

What got you to start reading Twilight Fanfiction? Do you remember the first fic you read?

I don’t read Twilight fanfiction. I’d go into conniptions.


Which are your favorite stories?

Livejournal user otahyoni (who finds the series as ridiculous as I do) wrote a gut-busting little parody. It can be found by going to her livejournal, clicking the link for ‘books: reviews’, and going back one page.

Who are your favorite characters, from who you like the most to er...who you would like to kill right off the bat?

Actually, I did like Charlie. He was the most real person out of the whole cast. He’s sweet, laid-back, and manages to live with his dolt of a daughter, which is truly a formidable feat.

What made you finally decide to start writing your own?

I was bored, and I like making people laugh. My mom had just finished Twilight and said that I should type up a snarky review of the book, and instead of a review I ended up writing a condensed parody (Twilight in Five Minutes was removed from fanfiction.net many months ago; a horde of fans reported me for “abuse”). My parody made people laugh, so I condensed the rest of series, hoping to keep them laughing.

What's the atmosphere like when you're writing? Music.. quiet..kids screaming and ripping each other apart, or husband bitching in the background? Do you drink and/or smoke?

Well, unless my dad’s out of the house, it’s a pretty good bet that the TV will be on, but I can usually tune it out. I’ll sometimes listen to music with the computer’s headphones. I don’t drink or smoke.

What else do you like to read besides Twilight?

I like the Temeraire series by Naomi Novik; the collection of Useless Information books; the John Ceepak novels by Chris Grabenstein; the Withern Rise trilogy by Michael Lawrence; Watership Down by John Adams; Final Exits: The Illustrated Encyclopedia of How We Die by Michael Largo; and the manga Godchild.

What else do you like to do?

I do a bit of sculpting with polymer clay; I do a pretty decent job of sketching with charcoals & pastels, and I’m very good at pointillism. I do backstage work for theatre at my high school (props/costumes/makeup) and have a job at an ice cream parlor.

Tell us a secret.

It was I killed the old pawnbroker woman and her sister Lizaveta with an axe and robbed them. (Points for anyone who knows this reference.)